Butterfly...

There's a felt silver and gold butterfly hanging in my room. It's nothing special, just some cloth and glitter held together by school glue and cut in the shape of wings and a body by a small child's hand. At the time I didn't really appreciate it. i thought it was ugly and was disappointed that it hadn't matched what I saw in my mind at all. But I liked the sparkle so I hung it up anyway. Now every time I see it I feel a sense of nostalgia. I want to go back to the 6 year old who made it. i want that time when my biggest concerns were the shapes not cutting out properly or whether or not the teachers would notice that I had used more glitter than was allowed. I just want to lose these worries about my education, my social life, romantic life, what I'm going to do with myself. That butterfly has been hanging in the exact same spot for over 18 years now and it hasn't changed at all. Sometimes I wish I could do that. Just suspend myself in a shining sparkling moment for a little bit longer. More and more these days I feel like everything's spinning away from me. Like I'm moving through moments quicker than I can handle. I can't hold on to anything, it doesn't matter how much I try. it all ends and all I'm left with is that memory. That stupid butterfly. Staring at it spinning and catching the light and losing it. Remembering but never being able to really go back

Disgust. Pure and utter disgust

I cannot stand receipts. I don't like to look at them and I especially don't like to organize them. All they seem to do is make a mess of my desk, steal all my rubber bands, and spell out a future life of poverty for me. And just when I had them stacked in a pile to start sorting through, Jasper flew right through them, sending them scattering and sending me right back to square one. Bah. I'm just going to curl up with a chocolate Odwalla bar and Breakfast at Tiffany's to drown my sorrows.

this is probably why I haven't gone totally off the deep end yet.

I'm Scared...

We made plans today. And not just in the normal "we'll have a million dogs and love each other forever and ever" kind of way. You got approval from another girlfriend of mine (and her dogs I might add) and we were talking on the drive back. You told me you wanted us to have a place like her near the woods and the water and of course in the mountains like we always talked about. You said how you were planning to ask Mimi and Pop-pop about their cabin in the mountains. You know I think the place is beautiful and the only real problem is that it's so remote and the cabin was built in the early 70's so it's not really fit for a human to live in. Then you said you were thinking we could build a home up there and you could work to get indoor plumbing and all the modern things set up in it. Then when I reminded you how remote it was and how hard it would be to see friends and family, you didn't even miss a beat. You said "well what about the mountains that Frank and Mary live on?" and then you went on to say we could just as easily have an RV so we could come up to the cabin whenever we wanted. We made plans for what we would try to do with you trying to find more permanent work and me trying to finish school. Then I asked you if you had ever though of marriage. You told me that aside from taxes and living together, you had pretty much considered us married since last summer. I didn't know what to say. I love you and I had pretty much been thinking the same way. But I'm also terrified. It makes everything more real. I'm not used to that. I'm used to the relationships I had before you..date for a few months with no plans for commitment and no real serious talks like the ones we've had. That sounds silly since I've been with you for almost 2 years and have been out of high school for 3. But I'm still scared. I don't know if it's normal and it doesn't make me want a life with you any less. I just don't know how to sort out my own feelings I guess.